Sometimes during our 18+ year relationship Kelly and I have spent more time apart than together. During college, we both worked summer stints in separate music camps. Early in our marriage we both worked on master's degrees in different cities. Kelly would travel every week to Wichita and lived there one summer in the middle of her program. I stayed behind at our home and worked on my own master's in Manhattan.
When Elise was diagnosed with cancer, Elise, Kelly and Abby lived the majority of the eight months of treatment in Kansas City while I lived primarily in Milford and commuted back and forth. When Elise finished treatment, we continued to live apart for another six months while she was going through rehab. After losing my job we decided it no longer made sense to live apart. We were renting our house, neither of us were employed, and the majority of our time was being spent in KC. Our life was in Kansas City and it just made sense to move. Besides the grass was bound to be greener there right? Turned out to be not so much.
After 15 months of being unemployed I eventually landed a job at K-State in Manhattan, KS in November of 2011. Our life was in KC, but my job was now 2 hours away. I am fortunate to have a sister and her family that live in Manhattan. They gladly took me in and have given me a place to live, making things financially easier than they would have been otherwise. We were reluctant to leave Kansas City. Elise still sees many specialists at Children's Mercy, the Shawnee Mission School District has a terrific special ed department that has been great for us and Elise. We have an awesome church with amazing kids education and have developed some great friendships during our time here. Kelly's family is here in KC and the help that her parents provide is more than we could have asked for particularly in the last three plus years. I was always hopeful that my job at K-State would transition to a position at the new KSU campus that opened in Olathe (a suburb of KC). But, that has not been the case.
Since November 2011, I have woken up at 4:45 a.m. on Monday morning and hit the road to begin my work week in Manhattan. I am fortunate to work longer days and be able to leave the office most weeks by noon on Friday. That has allowed me the opportunity to get Elise off the bus many Friday afternoons. But, it has become too much. Not just too much for me, but certainly too much for everybody else. I'm not able to attend school meetings (although I haven't missed a parent teacher conference!), I miss out on the day to day events, I am a father and husband by Skype and cell phone. We have made the most of it while it lasted, but enough has become enough.
We have finally made the decision that we are moving to Manhattan and will make that happen on June 8th. Over the long haul, the decision did not come easy, but in the end it was a very simple decision. We have prayed many hours, I have applied and sometimes interviewed for countless jobs, all for life to come back to the same place. The writing appears to be on the wall. We belong together in Manhattan. I have begged and pleaded with God to help us find another way and that it must be that I just can't see what it is that I and my family are supposed to be doing with ourselves. But, it is very clear I just refused to look at it.
When I initially took the job in Manhattan we said we would give it six months and determine if we needed to move to Manhattan, I would begin to get a feel for whether the job would transfer to Olathe, or I would accept a different position all together. Once the six month "trial period" was coming to an end, we decided it was too early to give up the hope that something would come to fruition in KC. So, we decided to give it another six months. During the second six months times became much more difficult. There were more an more events missed, most sad phone calls on both ends, and more tears on Sunday night and Monday morning. It was never easy, but it slowly was becoming unbearable.
In January of this year I went back to Manhattan and told my boss that was it. We made the decision that we were moving to Manhattan as soon as I could find a place for us to live. That proved to not be as easy as one might think. Having a child with special needs gives us a different set of needs than many parents and I have become extremely picky about what will "work" for my family to live in. A few weeks ago the search finally came to an end and we have found a rental house to live in beginning in June.
In the last three and half years, we have lived apart more than half of that time. There has been enough sacrifice, on every one's part, in the past several years to go around. Kelly has carried too much burden on her own, Abby and Elise have received enough e-parenting to get them through the rest of their lives, and all of our relationships are strained more than they need to be. It is time to make a change. And, I think we are all more than ready.
I do not look forward to packing and moving again AT ALL! But, I look forward to waking up every day in the same house as my family. I look forward to being active in Elise's school. I look forward to going to the park with the kids after work. I look forward to date night on Tuesday just because that day happens to work well for both of us. More than anything, I look forward building a closer relationship with both of my girls and my wife again. Though it is a tough competition between them, the dog may be the most happy to have me around every day! I look forward to her too!
While the next couple of months will not be easy, we know it is a necessary part in moving on. We are blessed to have met and formed friendships with some really good people. We are also blessed that our girls have developed a great relationship with their grandparents. I never had that in my life, and I am glad for all of them that they have been able to have this time together. It is a time that none of them will forget and certainly a time I will not forget either. Thank you to the many people that have impacted our lives during our time in Kansas City. We truly loved living here and hopefully will have the opportunity to return again one day.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
The Perspective of a Four Year Old
Nothing like a four year old to help you put things in perspective. If given the opportunity, they can often put you in your place if you don't have sound reasoning for what you say or do. That very thing happened to us this past week.
On Thursday afternoon we were walking in downtown Lawrence. Between a couple of buildings a homeless man sat on a wall with a sign asking for help. To be honest, I didn't even look at it that closely at the time. Kelly and Abby were walking together a little ways behind Elise and I. As they approached Abby asked, "Why is that man holding a sign?" Kelly responded that he was looking for some help. Abby then asked, "What does he want" to which Kelly told her that she didn't know as she hadn't really read his sign. Finally, Abby asked, "Can we help him?" Being caught so off guard she responded, "We're not going to do that today." Luckily, that was the end of the conversation. But, certainly not the end of the guilty feeling. We didn't have anything on us to give him at the time so we continued on our way, but Abby's unintended point was certainly well made. We probably could have helped him in some way. I didn't know this conversation had taken place until some time later, but obviously the innocence of her question had a lasting impact.
This very issue cuts to the core of a personal issue that I have struggled with for several years. For the most part, I rarely encountered homeless people growing up. Except for the times I visited really large metropolitan areas, I just never had the opportunity. Like many, I bought into some popular culture beliefs that the homeless people I encountered were all drunks that ended up in their situation by making a string of bad decisions. If I gave them any money it would probably go toward their next bottle or drug fix. For some that may be true, but it is certainly unrealistic to say that is the case for all.
When Elise was spending a large amount of time at Children's Mercy Hospital we often drove by a very active panhandling corner and area for homeless people. Every day I hoped that the light would stay green and I wouldn't have to sit at the corner and look at the homeless person knowing that I had no intention of helping them. In fact, I remember thinking, "why are they out here? Elise is in the hospital fighting for her life, I am racking up hospital bills by the tens of thousands, and I am commuting 4 hours 3-5 times per week. I go to work every day and pay my bills, why can't they do the same?" Many days I even wanted to say, "why don't you get off of the street corner and go to work?" But, I didn't have the guts to say that. Fast forward a couple of years and I am glad that I didn't.
After confronting this issue for several years I can safely say that my view has changed. I have never even been close to being homeless, but experiencing a deathly ill child and a long stint of unemployment certainly helped me to understand how life can slowly begin to spiral out of control until you just aren't able to stop it. We were fortunate to have made some really good financial decisions and even sold our house for a nice profit shortly before Elise became sick. Those are two of the biggest reasons I never even got close to being homeless. If a few things had turned out differently, we may not have been so lucky. If we didn't have such a strong support system we might have cracked and lost it mentally, emotionally, or even physical. Who knows? I'm just glad it didn't happen.
A little over a year ago our church handed out "Free Night Stay" cards for the Kansas City Rescue Mission. This is a well known homeless shelter in the KC metro area. If you encountered homeless people in the Kansas City area you were encouraged to give them the card and we were encouraged to take more if that was something we were comfortable with. I wasn't comfortable taking any more. As a matter of fact I held on to that card for more than 6 months. Late in the fall I was cleaning off my dresser and saw the card sitting there. I decided I was never going to give it away with it sitting on my dresser so I put it in my pocket. It had been quite a while since I had found myself in an area of town with a homeless population but I put it in my wallet anyways. Sure enough, about a week later I was taking Elise to Children's Mercy and came to my "dreaded corner" just as the light turned red. Unlike the many times before, I rolled down my window and talked briefly with the homeless guy at the corner looking for help. I told him I didn't have any money to give him today, but I did have this card for the KC Rescue Mission. The card entitled him to a hot meal, a shower, and a bed to sleep in for the night all at no cost.
In the end, it didn't cost me a thing. Why had I been so reluctant to do this? What basis did I really have for my opinion? The more I thought about it, I really don't know why I was so reluctant. I think it ultimately came down to comfort. I was very uncomfortable relating to someone in such a different place than I am in. I also think a lack of knowledge contributes to my discomfort. I've never given much thought about what a homeless person might need. I just know I don't want to be the guy that contributes to whatever caused them to be homeless. In my mind that was probably drugs or alcohol. But, is it really? How would I ever know what "caused" them to be homeless? We are called to help one another, not judge what is right or wrong in someones life. If I choose to give money to a homeless person and they spend that money on their next drink or drugs, I'm not going to be able to help that. Ultimately, it is not my responsibility to worry about what it is spent on. It is my responsibility to give freely to help a fellow human being. Some days that is easier said than done, but I am coming around.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:34-40 (NIV)
On Thursday afternoon we were walking in downtown Lawrence. Between a couple of buildings a homeless man sat on a wall with a sign asking for help. To be honest, I didn't even look at it that closely at the time. Kelly and Abby were walking together a little ways behind Elise and I. As they approached Abby asked, "Why is that man holding a sign?" Kelly responded that he was looking for some help. Abby then asked, "What does he want" to which Kelly told her that she didn't know as she hadn't really read his sign. Finally, Abby asked, "Can we help him?" Being caught so off guard she responded, "We're not going to do that today." Luckily, that was the end of the conversation. But, certainly not the end of the guilty feeling. We didn't have anything on us to give him at the time so we continued on our way, but Abby's unintended point was certainly well made. We probably could have helped him in some way. I didn't know this conversation had taken place until some time later, but obviously the innocence of her question had a lasting impact.
This very issue cuts to the core of a personal issue that I have struggled with for several years. For the most part, I rarely encountered homeless people growing up. Except for the times I visited really large metropolitan areas, I just never had the opportunity. Like many, I bought into some popular culture beliefs that the homeless people I encountered were all drunks that ended up in their situation by making a string of bad decisions. If I gave them any money it would probably go toward their next bottle or drug fix. For some that may be true, but it is certainly unrealistic to say that is the case for all.
When Elise was spending a large amount of time at Children's Mercy Hospital we often drove by a very active panhandling corner and area for homeless people. Every day I hoped that the light would stay green and I wouldn't have to sit at the corner and look at the homeless person knowing that I had no intention of helping them. In fact, I remember thinking, "why are they out here? Elise is in the hospital fighting for her life, I am racking up hospital bills by the tens of thousands, and I am commuting 4 hours 3-5 times per week. I go to work every day and pay my bills, why can't they do the same?" Many days I even wanted to say, "why don't you get off of the street corner and go to work?" But, I didn't have the guts to say that. Fast forward a couple of years and I am glad that I didn't.
After confronting this issue for several years I can safely say that my view has changed. I have never even been close to being homeless, but experiencing a deathly ill child and a long stint of unemployment certainly helped me to understand how life can slowly begin to spiral out of control until you just aren't able to stop it. We were fortunate to have made some really good financial decisions and even sold our house for a nice profit shortly before Elise became sick. Those are two of the biggest reasons I never even got close to being homeless. If a few things had turned out differently, we may not have been so lucky. If we didn't have such a strong support system we might have cracked and lost it mentally, emotionally, or even physical. Who knows? I'm just glad it didn't happen.
A little over a year ago our church handed out "Free Night Stay" cards for the Kansas City Rescue Mission. This is a well known homeless shelter in the KC metro area. If you encountered homeless people in the Kansas City area you were encouraged to give them the card and we were encouraged to take more if that was something we were comfortable with. I wasn't comfortable taking any more. As a matter of fact I held on to that card for more than 6 months. Late in the fall I was cleaning off my dresser and saw the card sitting there. I decided I was never going to give it away with it sitting on my dresser so I put it in my pocket. It had been quite a while since I had found myself in an area of town with a homeless population but I put it in my wallet anyways. Sure enough, about a week later I was taking Elise to Children's Mercy and came to my "dreaded corner" just as the light turned red. Unlike the many times before, I rolled down my window and talked briefly with the homeless guy at the corner looking for help. I told him I didn't have any money to give him today, but I did have this card for the KC Rescue Mission. The card entitled him to a hot meal, a shower, and a bed to sleep in for the night all at no cost.
In the end, it didn't cost me a thing. Why had I been so reluctant to do this? What basis did I really have for my opinion? The more I thought about it, I really don't know why I was so reluctant. I think it ultimately came down to comfort. I was very uncomfortable relating to someone in such a different place than I am in. I also think a lack of knowledge contributes to my discomfort. I've never given much thought about what a homeless person might need. I just know I don't want to be the guy that contributes to whatever caused them to be homeless. In my mind that was probably drugs or alcohol. But, is it really? How would I ever know what "caused" them to be homeless? We are called to help one another, not judge what is right or wrong in someones life. If I choose to give money to a homeless person and they spend that money on their next drink or drugs, I'm not going to be able to help that. Ultimately, it is not my responsibility to worry about what it is spent on. It is my responsibility to give freely to help a fellow human being. Some days that is easier said than done, but I am coming around.
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| http://kcrm.org/ |
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ 37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:34-40 (NIV)
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