When Enough is Enough

Sometimes during our 18+ year relationship Kelly and I have spent more time apart than together. During college, we both worked summer stints in separate music camps. Early in our marriage we both worked on master's degrees in different cities. Kelly would travel every week to Wichita and lived there one summer in the middle of her program. I stayed behind at our home and worked on my own master's in Manhattan.

When Elise was diagnosed with cancer, Elise, Kelly and Abby lived the majority of the eight months of treatment in Kansas City while I lived primarily in Milford and commuted back and forth. When Elise finished treatment, we continued to live apart for another six months while she was going through rehab. After losing my job we decided it no longer made sense to live apart. We were renting our house, neither of us were employed, and the majority of our time was being spent in KC. Our life was in Kansas City and it just made sense  to move. Besides the grass was bound to be greener there right? Turned out to be not so much.

After 15 months of being unemployed I eventually landed a job at K-State in Manhattan, KS in November of 2011. Our life was in KC, but my job was now 2 hours away. I am fortunate to have a sister and her family that live in Manhattan. They gladly took me in and have given me a place to live, making things financially easier than they would have been otherwise. We were reluctant to leave Kansas City. Elise still sees many specialists at Children's Mercy, the Shawnee Mission School District has a terrific special ed department that has been great for us and Elise. We have an awesome church with amazing kids education and have developed some great friendships during our time here. Kelly's family is here in KC and the help that her parents provide is more than we could have asked for particularly in the last three plus years. I was always hopeful that my job at K-State would transition to a position at the new KSU campus that opened in Olathe (a suburb of KC). But, that has not been the case.

Since November 2011, I have woken up at 4:45 a.m. on Monday morning and hit the road to begin my work week in Manhattan. I am fortunate to work longer days and be able to leave the office most weeks by noon on Friday. That has allowed me the opportunity to get Elise off the bus many Friday afternoons. But, it has become too much. Not just too much for me, but certainly too much for everybody else. I'm not able to attend school meetings (although I haven't missed a parent teacher conference!), I miss out on the day to day events, I am a father and husband by Skype and cell phone. We have made the most of it while it lasted, but enough has become enough.

We have finally made the decision that we are moving to Manhattan and will make that happen on June 8th. Over the long haul, the decision did not come easy, but in the end it was a very simple decision. We have prayed many hours, I have applied and sometimes interviewed for countless jobs, all for life to come back to the same place. The writing appears to be on the wall. We belong together in Manhattan. I have begged and pleaded with God to help us find another way and that it must be that I just can't see what it is that I and my family are supposed to be doing with ourselves. But, it is very clear I just refused to look at it.

When I initially took the job in Manhattan we said we would give it six months and determine if we needed to move to Manhattan, I would begin to get a feel for whether the job would transfer to Olathe, or I would accept a different position all together. Once the six month "trial period" was coming to an end, we decided it was too early to give up the hope that something would come to fruition in KC. So, we decided to give it another six months. During the second six months times became much more difficult. There were more an more events missed, most sad phone calls on both ends, and more tears on Sunday night and Monday morning. It was never easy, but it slowly was becoming unbearable.

In January of this year I went back to Manhattan and told my boss that was it. We made the decision that we were moving to Manhattan as soon as I could find a place for us to live. That proved to not be as easy as one might think. Having a child with special needs gives us a different set of needs than many parents and I have become extremely picky about what will "work" for my family to live in. A few weeks ago the search finally came to an end and we have found a rental house to live in beginning in June.

In the last three and half years, we have lived apart more than half of that time. There has been enough sacrifice, on every one's part, in the past several years to go around. Kelly has carried too much burden on her own, Abby and Elise have received enough e-parenting to get them through the rest of their lives, and all of our relationships are strained more than they need to be. It is time to make a change. And, I think we are all more than ready.

I do not look forward to packing and moving again AT ALL! But, I look forward to waking up every day in the same house as my family. I look forward to being active in Elise's school. I look forward to going to the park with the kids after work. I look forward to date night on Tuesday just because that day happens to work well for both of us. More than anything, I look forward building a closer relationship with both of my girls and my wife again. Though it is a tough competition between them, the dog may be the most happy to have me around every day! I look forward to her too!

While the next couple of months will not be easy, we know it is a necessary part in moving on. We are blessed to have met and formed friendships with some really good people. We are also blessed that our girls have developed a great relationship with their grandparents. I never had that in my life, and I am glad for all of them that they have been able to have this time together. It is a time that none of them will forget and certainly a time I will not forget either. Thank you to the many people that have impacted our lives during our time in Kansas City. We truly loved living here and hopefully will have the opportunity to return again one day.