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| Elise and I fishing on Milford Lake in the summer of 2009. |
Elise loved to be in the boat with me and she loved to go fishing. I'm not sure if she loved the fishing as much as she just loved to be out with me in the boat, and loved that we always stopped to get "beef turkey" (that was as close as she could say beef jerky). She also loved to go out fishing with Uncle Don and I as well. We spent many nights each week doing exactly what you see in the picture. It was about as good as life could get for a guy that loved to fish and loved his little girl.
On one Sunday evening Elise and I were driving across the lake and she started to sing. "I am a friend of God. I am a friend of God. I am a friend of God he calls me friend." Knowing that we sang that song in adult church, I asked her where she heard that song. It happened to be one of my favorites. She told me that they were singing it in Children's Church. She was interested in learning more of that song and I taught her as we flew across the water at full speed singing at the top of our lungs. It was a truly great night!
Flash forward several months and Elise was in the PICU at Children's Mercy Hospital battling leukemia and an infection on her brain. It would be safe to say she wasn't doing very well. She was really struggling, and honestly, so were we. I had tried several times over the months before to sing this song again with Elise, but it was just too hard. I couldn't do it. I downloaded the song off of the Internet and played it for her in her room. She was heavily sedated, on a ventilator, and fighting for all it was worth. But low and behold, that song made her numbers improve! She breathed easier, appeared to rest more comfortably, and responded to me being next to her while I played the song. During the months after that I would continue to sing that song to her as often as I could. She loved it, and it was still one of my favorite songs. During treatment, maybe it became even more of a battle cry in my mind. She certainly said some profound things at the beginning of treatment, and I knew this song was a simple way for her to communicate.
We are getting close to 4 years since Elise and I first sat in the boat together and sang that song. The image and the feeling is still ingrained and as fresh in my mind as if we just did it yesterday. Only now, am I even beginning to be able to hear that song in public and not cry. Following treatment it was just too hard. The song brought back too many emotions and too many memories that I just didn't want to dig in to. The ups and downs of cancer treatment, the many struggles that Elise had and continues to have, and the sweet look on her innocent face were just too hard to go back to.
I have seen the picture above many times. For the past couple of years I have tried to block it out of my mind and not even think about it. Those were different times with a much different child. Times and circumstances are much different now. I am making progress that it doesn't hurt as much to look at the picture as it does remind me of such a simple time in her, and my, life. As we sang that song in church today, the flood of images and emotions came back just like it always does. I can still feel her sitting on my lap, holding on to the steering wheel, and singing that song at the top of her lungs. I am thankful that the images are clear just as if this happened yesterday.
If you aren't familiar with the song, here are the lyrics.
I am a friend of God by Israel Houghton
Chorus 1I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend
Verse 1
Who am I that You are mindful of me
That You hear me
When I call
Is it true that You are thinking of me
How You love me
It's amazing
Bridge
God Almighty
Lord of glory
You have called me friend
Chorus 2
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
You call me friend
This is so sweet and you are so brave. Thanks for sharing!
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