Be Careful What You Wish For.....

We spent Saturday morning going on a nice walk at the dog park before the weather turned cold and rainy. After a nice afternoon nap we decided to have dinner in the living room and have movie time together before going to bed for the night. Abby chose for us to watch "Annie". Like many things in our life, even that movie has a story behind it.

After Elise contracted a brain infection during cancer treatment, she stopped sleeping. I don't mean the lousy broken nights of sleep she does now. I mean completely stopped sleeping. One of the things we would do to "entertain her" is have her watch movies all night. She really was unable to move around on her own, and she would just lay there for hours watching movies. Among the many movies we played for her was "Annie".

As she was learning to regain some of her skills we really missed hearing her talk. Elise was a very talkative child with a huge vocabulary for a 3 year old. In the beginning her vocabulary came back in just single words. No matter what was happening or what she was doing she would say "Tomorrow"! After watching part of "Annie" for the 50th time we put two and two together and realized she was likely saying one of the words from "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" from the movie! After not saying anything at all, this seemed miraculous. But like anything, it quickly became annoying. Hearing "tomorrow" 3,000 times per day isn't much fun either. I even called Kelly at night once and reported, "Elise has said tomorrow 135 times in the past 30 minutes." Counting them was at least a little distraction for me! We just wished she would stop already!

As her language slowly "progressed" she started to say other single words and even a couple of 2-3 word sentences. One of her favorites was "I'm nakie!(or naked)" As we would get her ready for a bath or shower, I would frequently say to her "your naked" or sometimes "your nakie". She repaid that phrase thousands of times over in some of the most enjoyable of all places. Every Sunday morning she would waddle in to church telling everyone "I'm naked!" Whenever they would say, "Good morning Elise. How are you today?" She would faithfully respond, "I'm naked!" The doctors office, the grocery store, and later even at school. No place was immune to Elise proclaiming her nakedness. Secretly, I was kind of proud of that!

In the beginning, we were just happy she was saying anything. Then we began to work on what is appropriate and not appropriate to say and when to say it. Although, if a 4-5 year old can't proclaim they are naked in church, I don't know where else it would be appropriate! Sometimes we just wished she would stop saying this as well. As it turns out, she has stopped saying this, but she has stopped saying almost everything else as well. We have certainly learned to "be careful what you wish for."

In parenting we frequently wish our kids would stop doing things, stop saying things, etc. We never anticipated she would permanently stop so many things. My brother in law has been going through a lengthy battle with cancer over the past 5+ years. Many times my sister and I have talked about the many things we "wish we knew" about what was going on. She has mentioned, "I wish I knew why this is happening", or "I wish I knew what that means." Over the past couple of years, they have also come to learn to be careful what you wish for. Once those answers eventually come to light, something we "wish" we didn't even know the answer.

Lyrics to "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" - from Annie
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

When I listened more carefully to the song this weekend, and read over the lyrics today, I wondered if Elise was even trying to tell us more. Are there brighter days ahead? Is it a matter of finding a way to clear away the cobwebs and the sorrow? Could it really be that simple? I'm just thankful she isn't a Garth Brooks fan and hasn't learned "If Tomorrow Never Comes." In the beginning she told us, "I'll be okay." Like us, I don't know that her day to day life currently is what she envisioned.

As I sit with Elise and try to talk with her, I can still see the wonder in her eyes and the way her mouth is trying to grasp the words. Somewhere between where her brain is firing and her mouth, the ability to spit out the words is just gone. Generally she says nothing. That is not something that we ever wished for. Every parent wants their child to be able to answer their questions, tell them when something is wrong, and say I love you at the end of the night. Often, "I wish" Elise was able to do those things. When it is most difficult I try to remember to "be careful what you wish for." She does say all of the things that I want her to say, it just happens in a different way. Maybe someday she will be able to speak those words again. Until then, we just keep working on those skills, be thankful for what she can do, and "be careful what we wish for."