Why I Believe

This Easter season, for some reason, has made me really think about why I believe in God. Is this whole resurrection thing really possible? Does God really exists? Or, as some think, is the bible the greatest novel ever written? I certainly don't have all the answers, and what works for me may not work for you. But, I have living breathing proof in my house that God does exist.

Elise and Abby in 2009

As a child I rarely recall going to church. There was a time when my mom would take me and I would go on my own during elementary school. That happened off an on for a few years. I really went to church for the first "real time" in high school. I met a girl that told me, "if you want to date me you have to go to church!" Well, I did want to date her, so I went to church!

I was immediately drawn in to the youth group and was amazed at the number of friends that I had that already attended this church. I had no idea! I assumed they slept in late on Sunday and were ready for the noon football game just like I was. My last two years of high school I attended church regularly. I continued my first semester of college, but suddenly fell off the wagon and took a several year hiatus from any regular attendance. I would go to church when I returned home on some weekends and occasionally at other times as well. After college Kelly and I attended church sporadically for a couple of years. There was always a draw to go to church, but a lack of commitment on our part sadly kept us home.

Once we moved to Junction City in the early 2000's we began to go to church more regularly. I found myself growing in faith, but often times struggling to understand some of the big picture issues that come with Christianity. After all, it can be pretty hard for our earthly minds to comprehend such supernatural experiences. We were actively involved in church and I had the strongest faith of my life when Elise was diagnosed with cancer. That faith was certainly put to the test as well.

When Elise was diagnosed with cancer, like any parents, we asked ourselves why. Why is this happening to us? Why is this happening to our 3 year old daughter? What have we done to deserve this? Most of all, what has she done to deserve this? How can a powerful and awesome God allow this to happen?

To quote the great philosopher, George Strait, "I've been to church. I've read the book." But, I sure don't recall reading the book that describes your child getting a life threatening illness and turning your family upside down. People would always say, "God has a plan." What does that mean anyways? If his plan was to give my 3 year old cancer and take her away from me, then his plans sucks! I don't want to be a part of it!

Late at night I would lay in Elise's hospital room and listen to the helicopter flying an emergency patient in or out to another facility. Several times per week the code blue alarm would go off and you knew that some child and their family where in the fight of their lives. During those times I would keep hearing people say, "God has a plan." Really? I'll go find those families and tell them that.

While my faith was really wavering, there was really nothing else to do for Elise other than pray. So, every night I would do that. I would say, "I don't really even know why I am praying. What good is it doing me? But, I am not giving up on her. God, if you really are there I hope you are listening!" Then the code blue alarm would go off again and the lack of understanding only made my head hurt more.

In January of 2010 Elise contracted the HHV6 virus on her brain. It is really ugly. If you want to know more about it you can Google it. It isn't pretty. Doctors don't routinely check kids for this virus unless they have been through bone marrow transplant. Elise had not been through this, but the doctor on call ordered this test anyways. It came back positive with an astronomically high number. They immediately ordered a follow up test the day the initial results came back and in the mean time started her on an anti-viral medicine. The next week the 2nd test results came back and showed a significant decrease in the initial numbers. So much, that the head of the infectious disease department didn't believe that she ever had the infection.

There was heated debate over a couple of months about whether she really had the infection or not. In the long run did it really matter? To them it did, but to us it did not. She had all the signs of the infection, she has the brain damage of the infection, and she has experienced more than 3 years of the effects of the infection now. When you look at an MRI of Elise's brain next to the textbook picture of someone else that had this infection you cannot tell a difference. They are identical. The evidence is there. Science wasn't able to stop the infection instantly. They even told us, there is no way the medicine alone could have made this drastic of a difference so quickly. Well......something did.

All through Elise's treatments we heard, "this is very unusual" ,or "we have never seen this before", or "we can't explain why this has happened." After a while, it doesn't really need an explanation. I know one day I will understand it all and I will be able to ask my questions face to face with God. I'm not of the belief that either science is right or God is right. They can both exist. But, when science has reached the end of what we know, something else has to be there to pick up the slack.

Abby and Elise Easter of 2011

I vividly remember Elise telling us "I'll be okay" when she was diagnosed with cancer. I also vividly remember her telling the nurse "thank you" after they had just pumped her full of chemo in hopes of killing cancer. I was still angry she had cancer and I knew there was a 50/50 shot we were either killing her or killing cancer. She was sick as a dog, but she rolled over and said "thank you."

The picture on the right was taken at Easter two years ago. We were in our first six months of learning about seizures and you can tell by the huge shiner on Elise's right eye how those were going. Now, two years later, we haven't made much progress in the seizure control area, but I have come miles in my faith.

I still don't know "why". I have come to terms that I may never know why in this lifetime. I also do not believe that God had a plan to give my daughter cancer, or for any of the other kids in that hospital to be in the predicament they were in. But, I do believe God was there all the time even when I was questioning his very presence. I also don't believe this happened so that I (or anyone that has come to know me) may come to have a better relationship with God. That has certainly been a byproduct of this experience, but my mind cannot reconcile that my child had to suffer so that you could have a better relationship with God.

But in the end, isn't that what Jesus did? Didn't he suffer in the worst possible way so that you and I could have a better relationship with God? Many "odd" experiences happened to me when Elise was going through treatment. As I was commuting back and forth that 2 hours each way I frequently heard George Strait's "I Saw God Today" on the radio. The chorus says, in part, "I've been to church. I've read the book. I know he's here, but I don't look..." That song always made me think about the people that I encountered that day. Whether it was another child in the playroom, another parent on the cancer floor, or some random stranger I saw in passing I could always see some correlation to how that person provided something that I really needed in that very moment. To listen to the official version of that song, click here.

I am not someone that is comfortable going out and "recruiting" people for the church. Even this, has been difficult for me. My bible knowledge is sometimes lacking and I certainly don't have many answers. But, I do know how God has impacted the life of my family and hundreds of families that we have come into contact with through this journey. The bible certainly gives you leeway to make your own choices as evidences below.

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” - Joshua 24:15