It's a Matter of Discipline

Many who know me would likely be surprised to learn that I am no longer the disciplinarian in our family. I don't know that I ever really was, but I was certainly more strict than I am today. Growing up in the home of a military man certainly lent itself to a more "disciplined" lifestyle. My siblings laugh that I "had it easy" compared to them, and they are probably right. But, my dad was no push over and flexibility was not a strength for him. I rarely ever questioned it and just assumed that was how life was for everyone.

When we had kids of our own, like anyone, I brought the parenting style that I knew from my childhood with me. I was ecstatic to have a daughter and all things that would come with that! (Alright, I was terrified because I know nothing about dolls, tea parties, hairstyling, or bottoms that can only be worn with certain tops, but humor me for this post.) I was a firm believer in Elise towing the line. I would have a well behaved princess and not a drama queen! If she strayed too far from what I expected, a swift swat on the rear would put an end to that! But, all that changed one day. I don't remember the date, but I remember the event as clear as if it were yesterday.

A couple of weeks after being diagnosed with Leukemia I was spending time with Elise in her hospital room. We were playing in her room and doing whatever we could to try and pass the time. I asked Elise to do something and she didn't want to do it. Being a good student of the method, I responded with my best "Love and Logic" choices for her. It didn't work, and channeling Jim Faye himself didn't seem to be an option. Elise had lost control of every aspect of her life and the only aspect of parenthood we felt we had "control" of was the behavior of our daughter. Needless to say, we didn't have control over that either and Elise maintained what control she could by pitching a fit. Feeling there was no option remaining I swatted her on the rear like I had done several other times in the first three years of her life. It didn't happen too often, but she certainly understood what it meant. I soon as I did it, I began to cry.

I remember thinking, "What am I doing? My daughter has cancer and I can't punish her!" From that moment on, I have viewed disciplining our kids differently. Frankly, I have viewed everything differently! Does it really matter if I told one of them to sit down in a certain spot and they stand instead? Is 2 inches difference in location that big of a deal? Am I just annoyed or are they really doing something that needs to be stopped? I am constantly asking myself, "is there a different way to do this?" That question has bled over into every aspect of my life and not just disciplining my kids. I don't take much in life as fact and I generally question rules and procedures wondering if there is a better way than the status quo. That part probably is not one of my greatest strengths.

I still believe in my kids (and myself) towing the line. But, I also believe there is a different, and likely better way, than I see being exhibited in most areas of society. How I felt that day I was disciplining Elise had nothing to do with how other parents discipline their kids, what society thinks is right, or even what my wife and I agreed on for raising our kids. It had everything to do with the impact I was making on her life. It should not have taken cancer to make me question everything I do as a parent to make sure that I am raising my kids in a way that honors them, my family, and God. But, it did. Fortunately, both of them were young. They will always remember me as the pushover they love!