Leaving Their Impact on Their Family

My mom ca. 1985

As we look to celebrate mother's day I have been reflecting on the mothers that have most directly affected my life. Whether I can see them on mother's day or not, they have all made some kind of impact on my life in their own unique way.

Sadly, my mom passed away a little over two years ago. It seems like it was just a few months ago when I was last talking with her. I was very blessed to spend the majority of her last two weeks with her. While she was in KU med center I went to visit her every day and we would talk about anything and everything under the sun. I believed when she left KC that day that I would never see her alive again. She was at peace, and I believe I was too.

During my childhood, Mom didn't miss a game, a concert, a parent teacher conference, or any other event that I was involved in. She cooked almost every meal, did every dish, worked a full time job, and ensured that our house was running smoothly at all times. She was always up early getting everything ready for everyone else first thing in the morning. She was always quick to cry, but even quicker to laugh. She was always concerned with helping everyone else. As I have said before, many of my best qualities I get from my mom. I miss her every day and always wish there was time for one more hug or I love you.

Kelly's mom Sue and dad Dennis ca. 2012

In 1995 I met the people that would become my second set of parents and my other "mom". For some reason, I have never been able to call my in-laws mom and dad. It is certainly not out of a lack of love or respect, but it just isn't something that comes easy to me. So, I don't do it.

Sue was always a tough person for me to read (and I'm sure she probably would say the same thing), but I always enjoyed the challenge. Her love for her family and ornery sense of humor where evident from the beginning though. Over the years I have come to appreciate her insight and support of our family. She isn't as tough to read nowadays though. Once we began bringing those grand babies into the world priorities shifted for everyone. Suddenly challenging me wasn't as important!

Her crafty nature is amazing to me. Her ability to whip up the materials and ideas for a quick project is always impressive. Her creative spirit has certainly influenced my wife and has been influencing my own kids over the past several years as well. With my own mother gone now, I look forward to many more years of having Sue in our family life and in the life of our kids.

Kelly and I in Las Vegas in January 2013

I am blessed to have my wife and mother of my children in my life as well. She is head caretaker, chef, maid, laundry woman, nurse, medical transcriptionist, biblical scholar, counselor, seamstress and many other things. She is truly amazing. She is patient, kind, loving, and a teacher at heart in almost everything she does with our kids. Most motherhood struggles are challenging enough, but navigating the path of a child with special needs take a different kind of person that is willing to sacrifice unconditionally. Kelly has devoted herself to that kind of sacrifice and it has been inspiring to many, including myself.

As I watched her and Abby plant flowers together today I just smiled at how alike the two of them are. Kelly was in her element playing in the dirt. Abby was working along looking just like her mother. Kneeling pad on the ground, little garden gloves on, dirt on her head, and a smile on her face. They were just alike! As I watched Kelly laying in bed with Elise tonight I was in awe of how different it is for fathers and mothers. The connection between mother and child is different, and there isn't anything that I can do as a father to have that same connection. After a day of feeling crummy, Elise snuggled right in to Kelly and was asleep in minutes. I had been trying to do that for hours! There is no substitute for having your mother close to you.

I am thankful to have experienced the motherly impact of these three great ladies. What a journey it has been from being mothered as a child, to watching my wife guide and form my own kids on a daily basis. It is not an easy path, but definitely one of the most noble and rewarding. Thank you each for the impact you have had on my life.

Changing Our Family Tree

A couple of months ago the stage was set for, what I believe, has been one of our most teachable moments in Abby's young life. One day during nap time, I was doing a little window shopping on Craigslist and I found a loft bed with a slide that I thought Abby might love. Before nap time was over, I had found 4 beds for her to look at.

Abby's Dream Bed!

When she woke up we looked through all of the beds and she found one that she really liked. I called about it immediately, but sadly it had just sold. As I looked the bed up online, I found that they really weren't as expensive as I thought they would be. We decided to take a spur of the moment trip to Nebraska Furniture Mart to look at beds and just get out of the house for a while. It turns out they had the bed in stock that we saw online, but right next too it was a different bed that become the bed of her dreams over the next two months. One big obstacle stood in the way though. It was the most expensive bed we saw in the kids section!






Many years back Kelly and I took a "Financial Peace University" class at our church. If you are not familiar with this class, it is founded on biblical principals of handling money and NOT using debt as a tool to manage your finances. More information can be found about the course and the teachings of its founder, Dave Ramsey here. With this class we gave up credit cards and debt in general. We have not carried a credit card or had a car payment in about 6 years! (We also haven't missed either of them by the way!) So, putting Abby's dream bed on our credit card and taking it home that day wasn't an option. We were also pretty reluctant to pay that kind of money for a kids bed! It truly does hurt more when you are paying cash.

When we got home we told Abby we would be willing to pay for half of the cost of the bed, but we needed to figure out where that other half could come from. Immediately she said, "I'll use the money in my piggy bank!" Wow, what a great idea!!! It turns out that she didn't have enough in her piggy bank, but she did have enough in her savings account. She has been good about saving the money that she gets for Christmas, birthdays, and random gifts. She REALLY wanted this bed and has not stopped talking about it for 2 months. Since we are moving to Manhattan, she will finally be back in her own room and she will have plenty of space for this bed.

Abby Waiting

On Friday, we made a trip to the bank to withdraw the money that was needed to pay for the bed. When we got to Nebraska Furniture Mart, they no longer carry the bed in stock! Luckily, they still have a couple in their inventory and our sales person was even able to find it cheaper somewhere else online! The sales person researching the bed and getting everything in order took quite a while. Abby managed to wait "patiently" on the sales counter while entertaining herself with a game on my phone. After some extensive searching, the salesman finally found a picture of the bed and showed it to Abby. Immediately she said "yep. That's the one I want!" She had no doubt what she was looking for and her memory of the bed was much better than mine.

Abby Counting Her Money

While the salesman was finalizing the order we got out the money to practice. I'm sure the sight of a four year old with a stack of $100 bills was pretty shocking to the people walking by. It was hilarious to us! She was excited to learn that they had the bed even though it was going to take a while to be delivered. We were able to get free delivery because they were matching the price of the bed to another company that included free shipping. We are paying a small fee to have them put it all together at our new house in Manhattan. Our hope is that it will be delivered in time for the first nights sleep in our new house!


When we got downstairs to the cashier I sat Abby up on the counter and gave her the wad of money to count out to the cashier. After ringing her up Abby laid out her $100 bills one at a time for the lady. The smile on the ladies face was priceless as well. I bet she never had a four year old do that before! To see a video of this transaction click here.

In the end, could we have just bought the bed for her and bypassed all the extra stuff? Yes. Would it have meant as much to Abby or us? Not at all! She has learned the value of money. She has learned that she has to have money if she wants to buy something. She has also learned that it "hurts" to drop a large sum of money at once! It is our hope that we can model good financial reasoning to both of our kids. Often times that means that we cannot buy things at the spur of the moment and we very rarely make unplanned purchases. This method is counter to many things in our society and often gets us strange comments and looks from strangers or even family members. In the end, we own everything we have and enjoy the lack of bills that come to the house every month. It is our hope that we are, in the words of Dave Ramsey, "Changing Our Family Tree" in educating our kids this way. I know that the life lesson learned on Friday will likely stick with Abby the rest of her life and it has given us the encouragement to know that we are making a difference in the financial future of our kids as well.

When Enough is Enough

Sometimes during our 18+ year relationship Kelly and I have spent more time apart than together. During college, we both worked summer stints in separate music camps. Early in our marriage we both worked on master's degrees in different cities. Kelly would travel every week to Wichita and lived there one summer in the middle of her program. I stayed behind at our home and worked on my own master's in Manhattan.

When Elise was diagnosed with cancer, Elise, Kelly and Abby lived the majority of the eight months of treatment in Kansas City while I lived primarily in Milford and commuted back and forth. When Elise finished treatment, we continued to live apart for another six months while she was going through rehab. After losing my job we decided it no longer made sense to live apart. We were renting our house, neither of us were employed, and the majority of our time was being spent in KC. Our life was in Kansas City and it just made sense  to move. Besides the grass was bound to be greener there right? Turned out to be not so much.

After 15 months of being unemployed I eventually landed a job at K-State in Manhattan, KS in November of 2011. Our life was in KC, but my job was now 2 hours away. I am fortunate to have a sister and her family that live in Manhattan. They gladly took me in and have given me a place to live, making things financially easier than they would have been otherwise. We were reluctant to leave Kansas City. Elise still sees many specialists at Children's Mercy, the Shawnee Mission School District has a terrific special ed department that has been great for us and Elise. We have an awesome church with amazing kids education and have developed some great friendships during our time here. Kelly's family is here in KC and the help that her parents provide is more than we could have asked for particularly in the last three plus years. I was always hopeful that my job at K-State would transition to a position at the new KSU campus that opened in Olathe (a suburb of KC). But, that has not been the case.

Since November 2011, I have woken up at 4:45 a.m. on Monday morning and hit the road to begin my work week in Manhattan. I am fortunate to work longer days and be able to leave the office most weeks by noon on Friday. That has allowed me the opportunity to get Elise off the bus many Friday afternoons. But, it has become too much. Not just too much for me, but certainly too much for everybody else. I'm not able to attend school meetings (although I haven't missed a parent teacher conference!), I miss out on the day to day events, I am a father and husband by Skype and cell phone. We have made the most of it while it lasted, but enough has become enough.

We have finally made the decision that we are moving to Manhattan and will make that happen on June 8th. Over the long haul, the decision did not come easy, but in the end it was a very simple decision. We have prayed many hours, I have applied and sometimes interviewed for countless jobs, all for life to come back to the same place. The writing appears to be on the wall. We belong together in Manhattan. I have begged and pleaded with God to help us find another way and that it must be that I just can't see what it is that I and my family are supposed to be doing with ourselves. But, it is very clear I just refused to look at it.

When I initially took the job in Manhattan we said we would give it six months and determine if we needed to move to Manhattan, I would begin to get a feel for whether the job would transfer to Olathe, or I would accept a different position all together. Once the six month "trial period" was coming to an end, we decided it was too early to give up the hope that something would come to fruition in KC. So, we decided to give it another six months. During the second six months times became much more difficult. There were more an more events missed, most sad phone calls on both ends, and more tears on Sunday night and Monday morning. It was never easy, but it slowly was becoming unbearable.

In January of this year I went back to Manhattan and told my boss that was it. We made the decision that we were moving to Manhattan as soon as I could find a place for us to live. That proved to not be as easy as one might think. Having a child with special needs gives us a different set of needs than many parents and I have become extremely picky about what will "work" for my family to live in. A few weeks ago the search finally came to an end and we have found a rental house to live in beginning in June.

In the last three and half years, we have lived apart more than half of that time. There has been enough sacrifice, on every one's part, in the past several years to go around. Kelly has carried too much burden on her own, Abby and Elise have received enough e-parenting to get them through the rest of their lives, and all of our relationships are strained more than they need to be. It is time to make a change. And, I think we are all more than ready.

I do not look forward to packing and moving again AT ALL! But, I look forward to waking up every day in the same house as my family. I look forward to being active in Elise's school. I look forward to going to the park with the kids after work. I look forward to date night on Tuesday just because that day happens to work well for both of us. More than anything, I look forward building a closer relationship with both of my girls and my wife again. Though it is a tough competition between them, the dog may be the most happy to have me around every day! I look forward to her too!

While the next couple of months will not be easy, we know it is a necessary part in moving on. We are blessed to have met and formed friendships with some really good people. We are also blessed that our girls have developed a great relationship with their grandparents. I never had that in my life, and I am glad for all of them that they have been able to have this time together. It is a time that none of them will forget and certainly a time I will not forget either. Thank you to the many people that have impacted our lives during our time in Kansas City. We truly loved living here and hopefully will have the opportunity to return again one day.

The Perspective of a Four Year Old

Nothing like a four year old to help you put things in perspective. If given the opportunity, they can often put you in your place if you don't have sound reasoning for what you say or do. That very thing happened to us this past week.

On Thursday afternoon we were walking in downtown Lawrence. Between a couple of buildings a homeless man sat on a wall with a sign asking for help. To be honest, I didn't even look at it that closely at the time. Kelly and Abby were walking together a little ways behind Elise and I. As they approached Abby asked, "Why is that man holding a sign?" Kelly responded that he was looking for some help. Abby then asked, "What does he want" to which Kelly told her that she didn't know as she hadn't really read his sign. Finally, Abby asked, "Can we help him?" Being caught so off guard she responded, "We're not going to do that today." Luckily, that was the end of the conversation. But, certainly not the end of the guilty feeling. We didn't have anything on us to give him at the time so we continued on our way, but Abby's unintended point was certainly well made. We probably could have helped him in some way. I didn't know this conversation had taken place until some time later, but obviously the innocence of her question had a lasting impact.

This very issue cuts to the core of a personal issue that I have struggled with for several years. For the most part, I rarely encountered homeless people growing up. Except for the times I visited really large metropolitan areas, I just never had the opportunity. Like many, I bought into some popular culture beliefs that the homeless people I encountered were all drunks that ended up in their situation by making a string of bad decisions. If I gave them any money it would probably go toward their next bottle or drug fix. For some that may be true, but it is certainly unrealistic to say that is the case for all.

When Elise was spending a large amount of time at Children's Mercy Hospital we often drove by a very active panhandling corner and area for homeless people. Every day I hoped that the light would stay green and I wouldn't have to sit at the corner and look at the homeless person knowing that I had no intention of helping them. In fact, I remember thinking, "why are they out here? Elise is in the hospital fighting for her life, I am racking up hospital bills by the tens of thousands, and I am commuting 4 hours 3-5 times per week. I go to work every day and pay my bills, why can't they do the same?" Many days I even wanted to say, "why don't you get off of the street corner and go to work?" But, I didn't have the guts to say that. Fast forward a couple of years and I am glad that I didn't.

After confronting this issue for several years I can safely say that my view has changed. I have never even been close to being homeless, but experiencing a deathly ill child and a long stint of unemployment certainly helped me to understand how life can slowly begin to spiral out of control until you just aren't able to stop it. We were fortunate to have made some really good financial decisions and even sold our house for a nice profit shortly before Elise became sick. Those are two of the biggest reasons I never even got close to being homeless. If a few things had turned out differently, we may not have been so lucky. If we didn't have such a strong support system we might have cracked and lost it mentally, emotionally, or even physical. Who knows? I'm just glad it didn't happen.

A little over a year ago our church handed out "Free Night Stay" cards for the Kansas City Rescue Mission. This is a well known homeless shelter in the KC metro area. If you encountered homeless people in the Kansas City area you were encouraged to give them the card and we were encouraged to take more if that was something we were comfortable with. I wasn't comfortable taking any more. As a matter of fact I held on to that card for more than 6 months. Late in the fall I was cleaning off my dresser and saw the card sitting there. I decided I was never going to give it away with it sitting on my dresser so I put it in my pocket. It had been quite a while since I had found myself in an area of town with a homeless population but I put it in my wallet anyways. Sure enough, about a week later I was taking Elise to Children's Mercy and came to my "dreaded corner" just as the light turned red. Unlike the many times before, I rolled down my window and talked briefly with the homeless guy at the corner looking for help. I told him I didn't have any money to give him today, but I did have this card for the KC Rescue Mission. The card entitled him to a hot meal, a shower, and a bed to sleep in for the night all at no cost.

In the end, it didn't cost me a thing. Why had I been so reluctant to do this? What basis did I really have for my opinion? The more I thought about it, I really don't know why I was so reluctant. I think it ultimately came down to comfort. I was very uncomfortable relating to someone in such a different place than I am in. I also think a lack of knowledge contributes to my discomfort. I've never given much thought about what a homeless person might need. I just know I don't want to be the guy that contributes to whatever caused them to be homeless. In my mind that was probably drugs or alcohol. But, is it really? How would I ever know what "caused" them to be homeless? We are called to help one another, not judge what is right or wrong in someones life. If I choose to give money to a homeless person and they spend that money on their next drink or drugs, I'm not going to be able to help that. Ultimately, it is not my responsibility to worry about what it is spent on. It is my responsibility to give freely to help a fellow human being. Some days that is easier said than done, but I am coming around.

http://kcrm.org/

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25:34-40 (NIV)

Why I Believe

This Easter season, for some reason, has made me really think about why I believe in God. Is this whole resurrection thing really possible? Does God really exists? Or, as some think, is the bible the greatest novel ever written? I certainly don't have all the answers, and what works for me may not work for you. But, I have living breathing proof in my house that God does exist.

Elise and Abby in 2009

As a child I rarely recall going to church. There was a time when my mom would take me and I would go on my own during elementary school. That happened off an on for a few years. I really went to church for the first "real time" in high school. I met a girl that told me, "if you want to date me you have to go to church!" Well, I did want to date her, so I went to church!

I was immediately drawn in to the youth group and was amazed at the number of friends that I had that already attended this church. I had no idea! I assumed they slept in late on Sunday and were ready for the noon football game just like I was. My last two years of high school I attended church regularly. I continued my first semester of college, but suddenly fell off the wagon and took a several year hiatus from any regular attendance. I would go to church when I returned home on some weekends and occasionally at other times as well. After college Kelly and I attended church sporadically for a couple of years. There was always a draw to go to church, but a lack of commitment on our part sadly kept us home.

Once we moved to Junction City in the early 2000's we began to go to church more regularly. I found myself growing in faith, but often times struggling to understand some of the big picture issues that come with Christianity. After all, it can be pretty hard for our earthly minds to comprehend such supernatural experiences. We were actively involved in church and I had the strongest faith of my life when Elise was diagnosed with cancer. That faith was certainly put to the test as well.

When Elise was diagnosed with cancer, like any parents, we asked ourselves why. Why is this happening to us? Why is this happening to our 3 year old daughter? What have we done to deserve this? Most of all, what has she done to deserve this? How can a powerful and awesome God allow this to happen?

To quote the great philosopher, George Strait, "I've been to church. I've read the book." But, I sure don't recall reading the book that describes your child getting a life threatening illness and turning your family upside down. People would always say, "God has a plan." What does that mean anyways? If his plan was to give my 3 year old cancer and take her away from me, then his plans sucks! I don't want to be a part of it!

Late at night I would lay in Elise's hospital room and listen to the helicopter flying an emergency patient in or out to another facility. Several times per week the code blue alarm would go off and you knew that some child and their family where in the fight of their lives. During those times I would keep hearing people say, "God has a plan." Really? I'll go find those families and tell them that.

While my faith was really wavering, there was really nothing else to do for Elise other than pray. So, every night I would do that. I would say, "I don't really even know why I am praying. What good is it doing me? But, I am not giving up on her. God, if you really are there I hope you are listening!" Then the code blue alarm would go off again and the lack of understanding only made my head hurt more.

In January of 2010 Elise contracted the HHV6 virus on her brain. It is really ugly. If you want to know more about it you can Google it. It isn't pretty. Doctors don't routinely check kids for this virus unless they have been through bone marrow transplant. Elise had not been through this, but the doctor on call ordered this test anyways. It came back positive with an astronomically high number. They immediately ordered a follow up test the day the initial results came back and in the mean time started her on an anti-viral medicine. The next week the 2nd test results came back and showed a significant decrease in the initial numbers. So much, that the head of the infectious disease department didn't believe that she ever had the infection.

There was heated debate over a couple of months about whether she really had the infection or not. In the long run did it really matter? To them it did, but to us it did not. She had all the signs of the infection, she has the brain damage of the infection, and she has experienced more than 3 years of the effects of the infection now. When you look at an MRI of Elise's brain next to the textbook picture of someone else that had this infection you cannot tell a difference. They are identical. The evidence is there. Science wasn't able to stop the infection instantly. They even told us, there is no way the medicine alone could have made this drastic of a difference so quickly. Well......something did.

All through Elise's treatments we heard, "this is very unusual" ,or "we have never seen this before", or "we can't explain why this has happened." After a while, it doesn't really need an explanation. I know one day I will understand it all and I will be able to ask my questions face to face with God. I'm not of the belief that either science is right or God is right. They can both exist. But, when science has reached the end of what we know, something else has to be there to pick up the slack.

Abby and Elise Easter of 2011

I vividly remember Elise telling us "I'll be okay" when she was diagnosed with cancer. I also vividly remember her telling the nurse "thank you" after they had just pumped her full of chemo in hopes of killing cancer. I was still angry she had cancer and I knew there was a 50/50 shot we were either killing her or killing cancer. She was sick as a dog, but she rolled over and said "thank you."

The picture on the right was taken at Easter two years ago. We were in our first six months of learning about seizures and you can tell by the huge shiner on Elise's right eye how those were going. Now, two years later, we haven't made much progress in the seizure control area, but I have come miles in my faith.

I still don't know "why". I have come to terms that I may never know why in this lifetime. I also do not believe that God had a plan to give my daughter cancer, or for any of the other kids in that hospital to be in the predicament they were in. But, I do believe God was there all the time even when I was questioning his very presence. I also don't believe this happened so that I (or anyone that has come to know me) may come to have a better relationship with God. That has certainly been a byproduct of this experience, but my mind cannot reconcile that my child had to suffer so that you could have a better relationship with God.

But in the end, isn't that what Jesus did? Didn't he suffer in the worst possible way so that you and I could have a better relationship with God? Many "odd" experiences happened to me when Elise was going through treatment. As I was commuting back and forth that 2 hours each way I frequently heard George Strait's "I Saw God Today" on the radio. The chorus says, in part, "I've been to church. I've read the book. I know he's here, but I don't look..." That song always made me think about the people that I encountered that day. Whether it was another child in the playroom, another parent on the cancer floor, or some random stranger I saw in passing I could always see some correlation to how that person provided something that I really needed in that very moment. To listen to the official version of that song, click here.

I am not someone that is comfortable going out and "recruiting" people for the church. Even this, has been difficult for me. My bible knowledge is sometimes lacking and I certainly don't have many answers. But, I do know how God has impacted the life of my family and hundreds of families that we have come into contact with through this journey. The bible certainly gives you leeway to make your own choices as evidences below.

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” - Joshua 24:15

Honoring the First Woman I Ever Loved

One of my favorite pics of my mom.

Today would have marked my mom's 75th birthday. Sadly she lost a decades long battle with Diabetes and Heart disease a couple of years ago. I still think about her every day and the impact she had on my life is evident in many areas.

Last night I said to Kelly, most of the characteristics you love about me came from my mom. And, how true that is. I only wish I could have gotten around to some of those characteristics sooner. My mom was a caring soul. She devoted her career with the State of Kansas to helping others in whatever way she could. She worked with clients that were struggling financially, physically, and emotionally and was always an advocate for taking care of those less fortunate in our society.

Even if she only met you once in passing, she cared about you. She could get away with it because she was an "old lady". But today, many would even say she would stalk you! She was likely to call someone up out of the blue, someone that she barely even knew, and would talk with them about how they were doing. She would just say, "you have been on my mind lately and I wondered how you were doing." That was just who she was.

She sat through countless baseball tournaments, softball tournaments, bowling tournaments, music concerts, and various school programs. When I was growing up she didn't miss a thing. Even when I went to college she would make the trek to come and watch me perform at whatever event was taking place.

Fishing was my dad's thing, but mom had the skills! She didn't always go out fishing with us, but when she did, she always caught the most fish. And, she was old school too. She didn't need anybody to bait her hook or take the fish off the line either. If she was going to catch the most fish, the least she could do was take care of herself right? And, she always did that with a smile on her face and razzing my dad about fishing the whole time. Then when we got home, she would spend hours at the kitchen sink cleaning the fish. Yeah, you read that right, she would clean the fish right there in the kitchen sink. It would stink up the whole house and there would be fish scales all over the floor, but that's where she did it. She was going to clean it up anyways, so what did it matter?

One of my best Christmas memories has to do with something she "made me" do when I was a high school kid. The nursing home was an important place to her and it was important that the people there be treated with dignity and know that they are not forgotten. One year she thought it would be great if we (turned out to be her and I, my dad couldn't be bothered with the idea) went to the nursing home with gifts for those that either did not have family or wouldn't be visited by family that year. She contacted the nursing home, learned the names of the people that fit this description, and got a list of things that they needed. We went shopping, wrapped those gifts, and took them to the nursing home the next day. I thought we were just going to drop the gifts off at the front desk. I was cool with that. It turns out, she wanted to meet with each of them face to face. Several of them were in extremely bad health or had lost their mental capacities all together. She didn't care about that, they still deserved to be talked to like anyone else. So we sat with them while they opened their gifts, or we opened the gifts for them. While this was very awkward for me as a high school kid it certainly helped me to see the importance of treating these people with respect. Integrity was everything. They didn't know we were coming, they were not expecting anything, and we weren't obligated to do anything specific. But, she taught me to do it anyways. That is a lesson that is most vivid in my mind when I think of my mom.

Up until Elise was diagnosed with cancer my mom and I spoke every day on the phone. It slowed down a little bit while we were immersed in treatment and traveling back and forth. But, I don't think it ever went past three days. Usually the conversations weren't long, and she wished there was more she could do, but it was important to check in. She was always good for a long conversation about nothing to keep me awake during my frequent drives between Kansas City and Junction City. As I commute to work between KC and Manhattan now I still think about calling her every time I get in the car. Turning the radio up really loud and putting the windows down on the highway just isn't the same, although she was known to do that as well.

I was very fortunate to spend some quality time with her the week before she passed away. She was experiencing some strange issues with her heart and her overall health had her extremely concerned. She ended up in KU Medical Center which was only about 10 minutes from my house. For several days I sat with her all day and most of the evening and talked about all sorts of things. It was more than we were able to talk face to face for the two years prior to that. After much prayer and conversation she decided to do "nothing" about her heart issues. She didn't want to do surgery that may end up with her losing her life in the operating room, she just wanted to go home. Once she had spoken with everyone and felt she had their "blessing" she was at peace. As I helped load her in the van to leave KC when she was discharged she had a smile on her face and plenty of funny things to say. It was a good day. When I went home to Kelly I told her, "I don't think I will see her alive again." Four days later she was gone. I was blessed to have the time with her that I did.

The memories she left behind are ones that I will always cherish. She loved well, was caring about everyone, and wanted with all of her being to see the best in people. I can only hope to carry on her legacy in the same manner. I miss her every day, but I know that she is present in every part of who I am today. I hope that everyone has such a positive role model in their life as my mom was in mine.

Do You Ever Really Know People?

As I have read through the past couple days of Facebook posts a couple of things have become extremely alarming to me. First, I found myself asking several times, "Is the person posting this really the person I thought they were?" Second, it has become very apparent to me that my present self has become quite distant from my past self.

As I look through the interactions I have with people I can easily see the difference between the people I call my friends and some of the "friends" I have on Facebook. It appears there are some people I agree with very little. That is kind of concerning! When I reflect on how I came to know that person, or in what capacity I truly "know" them, it becomes a lot more clear. There are several people I know through various past employments, former students, people I met in college, family, and some I have known since I first stepped into Eisenhower Elementary school for my first day of kindergarten. Just as I know that I have changed over the years, it is sometimes shocking how much others have changed as well. Sometimes even my own extended family I have a hard time relating to. I don't know that this is a bad thing, but just something I have become hyper aware of recently.

Even just a few short years ago, I would have been quick to give you my opinion whether you wanted it or not. For that matter, I probably wouldn't have cared if you liked it or not either. Nowadays, not so much. I still fight the urge and sometimes the urge still wins out, but generally I put a lot more thought into what I say before it actually comes out. That has served me pretty well in the past few years. As I was reading through a thread that one of my friends posted on, I was truly amazed by the things that people say to each other. I guess there is "safety" in the computer and a person can say what they want and never have to face the person they disagree with. One could always say that people are entitled to their "wrong opinion", but does that have to be so hate filled?

There is no doubt that I am a Christian and my beliefs align to what the Bible says. That does not mean that my actions don't stray from my beliefs. Sometimes I say and do things that, when given more thought, don't always align with what I believe. I am human. I was amazed when reading that thread today that frequently there was no difference in the words being used by believers and non-believers. They were so busy hating each other that neither could see they had strayed from the point completely.

Being respectful to other people shouldn't matter if you believe in God or not should it? Often times folks are so concerned about their freedom of speech and religion that they forget that everyone has those same freedoms. With that freedom comes disagreement. That is a "joy" of our society isn't it? Several of my friends posted a quote by Rick Warren that I think sums it up pretty well. It reads, "Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someones lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

Whether you are are discussing same sex marriage in your home, your work place, or Facebook shouldn't affect your need to be compassionate towards others. I would challenge, while this quote has been used heavily the past couple days in the marriage equality discussion, it pertains to many other areas of life as well. You may not see eye to eye with others politically, professionally, or personally, you may not agree with their lifestyle, the way they raise their kids, or the way they talk to their spouse. In the end, spewing hate toward someone else isn't going to miraculously change their view. It has taken me many years to put thinking before speaking and trying to ensure that what I say is truly what I mean. If most people would even make the effort to do just that, the world would be a much better place.